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Friday, December 5, 2008

Day #62

I'm trying hard to not let my feelings leak out through my facial expressions .. I'm trying hard not to let anyone notice th pain in my heart .. I'm trying very hard to not think abt you .. I'm trying very hard to just let it go .. I'm trying very hard to resist th temptation .. I'm trying very hard to ignore you .. I'm trying very hard to not feel anything .. I'm trying very hard to heal my heart aft you destroyed it .. I'm trying very hard to give you my blessings .. I'm trying very hard to enjoy life like i wanted it .. I'm trying very hard to not recall your looks .. I'm trying very hard to give myself sometime to get over it .. I'm trying my best to be fair to JROME .. I'm trying very hard to kick away th heartaches .. I'm trying very hard to take my heart back from you and give it to JROME .. I'm trying very hard .. To do things i want .. But why does it hurt so much ..? Iettai .. Iettai .. It hurts .. It rli hurts .. It rli does .. Trust me .. It rli does hurt .. Alot .. O yes .. Alot ..

Hehs .
You didnt see anything . P:

Wondered why i chose to go home on my own ?
Aft th tragic incident , i locked myself up in my room and faced th four walls .
' Why did it happen anyway ..? '

And this may be th answer to my question .

I would pester him to fetch me home .
Aft sch , aft cca , aft whadever stuff tahts has managed to sqeeze into my schedule .
And if he didnt , i would be angry . Real angry .
I was a bstrd . Real bstrd .
Even if he did do so , he would sometimes be late .
His reasons , i classified them as excuses .
Bstrd me .
Absurd . Nwb . Stpd . F-ed up . Me .

I would go out whid friends and stuff telling only myself and noone else .
I then would demand him to fetch me home aft my stuff .
And he had no choice but to do so .
Or else i would be angry and cold-shoulder him for awhile .
Bstrd .
And whn he went bb whid his friends and had not much time to spare me , i would fire up .
F you .
If he happened to be playing bb whid some girls , jealousy would get th better of me .
F me inside out , upside down .
Thinking of that , i reckoned that i spoke to more guys than he did to girls . He didnt say anything .
I was rli a bstrd . Bstrd , really .
It didnt come to me , as he was having his own time , having fun .
I just thought that he didnt want to see me and to him , his friends were more impt .
Tht was rli bstrd-ish of me .
How could i have overlooked th fun and joy he could have if i wasnt so damn demanding and sensitive ?
How could i have forced him into a world of darkness whn everything here is so damn dull and black ?
How could i have been such a frk ?
Did i rli have brains then ?
Did i rli have a heart then ?
I shouldn't deserve such kind treatment .
It was a miracle that it lasted for 2years .
Closing to 3 .
It was a real miracle .
He could have chosen to gain freedom afew weeks aft we got tgt .
But he didn't . He gritted his teeth till he couldnt take it anymore .
And hence , it's over .
I was such a bstrd .
Looking back , i could have had him forever . But i threw it away using my own hands .

I didnt try to understand him . I didnt try to please him . All i did was to take , not giving anything .
Stpd frk ..

I hope i have learnt my mistake .
I have lost someone i loved .
And i need to make sure it wont happen again .
I want to treasure you ..
I want to respect you ..
I dont want to be a burden to you ..
I want you to be happy whid me ..
I rli do ..
I want you to have fun ..
I want to see you smile ..
I dont want you to end up like him ..
I dont want you to be put at a spot ..
I dont want you give up everything cos of me ..
I dont want to lose you ..
I dont want to lose you ..
Rli i dont ..

&It's true .. I dont ..

I need someone ..
Who needs me ..
7:38 AM